Scandal clouds count: Nelson caught cheating for sunny days honour

Local Demagoguery Reporter

A photo of the Nelson Mayor Nick Smith and his Deputy Pete Rainey shining a torch into the heliograph, which records the region’s sunshine hours, at Nelson Airport was handed to Marlborough Weekly by Advocates Prioritising Reliable Information Locally, a Marlborough-based citizens group.

Subsequent investigation has uncovered a cheating con spiracy that saw Nelson jump up the sunshine hour leader board, leap-frogging Marlborough into second place.

It is understood the mayor and deputy mayor would shine a touch into the reader as night fell, or when it was cloudy, to secure an extra few hours of sun recording each day.

When pressed for information by the Weekly, Mayor Nick confessed to the attempt to alter the sun hours race but blamed Deputy Mayor Pete Rainey for the idea.

“The deputy made me do it so if we end up in prison, I want the top bunk.” Pete refused to comment on who’s idea it was, but Marlborough Mayor Nadine Taylor was understandably furious with the conspiracy.

“What’s next? Nelson stealing the sun off Marlborough’s coat of arms?

“Forget it, it’s not going to happen on my watch!”

Nick says he was desperate for some good news for Nelson.

“I’ve just been so frustrated at being dorked by Marlborough and New Plymouth, I was prepared to do anything.”

According to A.P.R.I.L., residents have also been in on the conspiracy with thousands of rooftop solar panels used to boil away cloud cover. A leaked report – titled “How foolish is that?!?” – ripped Nelson for “taking such drastic measures just to get brag ging rights over their honest neighbours.”

The rankings from Earth Sciences NZ put Nelson at #2 in the nation between #1 New Plymouth and #3 Blenheim.

Might Marlborough receive the Silver Sun trophy bestowed upon Nelson? That will be up to Parliament, which called a special session to authorise 2026 Fraud Off set Official Legislation. Police have refused to comment on whether charges will be laid against the Nelson leaders.

April Fools!

Just to keep the record clear:
Nelson edged out Blenheim fair and square.
There was no investigation of sunny hours.
There is no organisation called Advocates Prioritising Reliable
Information Locally.
There is no 2026 Fraud Offset Official Legislation.
There is no Silver Sun trophy, at least for this.
However, the quotes from the mayors came from them. Thank you, Mayor Nadine and Mayor Nick, for playing along!