Healing in harmony

Listening to Leeanne Meikle and her daughter Shannon Lawn sing together, you’d be forgiven for thinking their strong bond is the result of a lifelong, close, healthy mother-and-daughter relationship. They clearly share a deep musical connection, and on stage, their songs are often peppered with laughter as they set each other off with a quick glance, or a playful moment. But while the pair are now very close, and share a deep mutual love for music, their road has been far from easy, with anxiety, depression, heartbreak and separation at the heart of their journey. They share their story with Catherine Milford.

Photos: Aimée Preston

“I had my first breakdown when I was 25, when Shannon was just six,” explains Leeanne, 57, who lives in Picton, and sings both as a soloist and with Shannon as the duo, Mama and the Babas. “When I had a second breakdown two years later, I realised I had to leave my marriage, and I didn’t have the capacity to take care of my three beautiful children. It was a matter of survival – I had to leave or I’d die,” explains Leeanne frankly.

“Mental health is an issue in my family – I lost two brothers, Darrin and Stevie, to suicide – and it’s taken me a long time to forgive myself and feel worthy of a good relationship with Shannon and my family.

“It’s not commonplace for a mother to leave her children, and children interpret that as something they’ve done wrong as it’s not the natural order of things. Parents teach their children a sense of belonging by showing up and consistently behaving in a loving and caring way. My children have suffered deep pain because of what happened, and that’s something I’ve had to take responsibility for. There has been a lot of shame and grief.”

“Life has been hard in a lot of ways, and our relationship has been tough. We haven’t always been in a great place together,” admits Shannon, 35. “Mummy was broken, but I don’t actually remember being very upset with her as a child. She left our family, but I felt like she always showed up for us as she only lived down the street. I believed in her – but it was awful.”

Music was part of Shannon’s world from early on; she began learning the piano when she was six. But although she adored her music, Shannon spent much of her younger years deeply depressed and suicidal. As well as losing her two uncles, she also lost many friends to suicide. “Like people often meet like, and I saw a lot of suffering. This has all been very real for me.”

Despite the challenges, Shannon says her dad did a good job of holding everything together, and she did her best to cope with the hand she was dealt. She fondly remembers going to hear her mum sing in restaurants and bars as a teenager. “Mum always looked and sounded so beautiful – her singing would make me cry,” she recalls. “That’s what got me into music; somehow Mum always filled up this empty space in my heart.”

“I was never professionally trained as a singer – I had so much anxiety when I was younger that the idea of singing in front of anyone was impossible!” says Leeanne. “I’d sung in my church for 10 years, and I was married to an incredible musician, Shannon’s dad. When I left the church, music was the hole in my soul – I missed it so much.”

Then one day, while in a café, Leeanne heard a recording of the ‘Queen of Jazz,’ singer Ella Fitzgerald. “Ella was my muse, my inspiration – I had to know more, so I started studying her, and singing with my karaoke machine at home. It was my salve.”

Both Leeanne and Shannon’s love for music runs deep, and Shannon went on to study at the New Zealand School of Music before leaving the country and spending 14 years overseas. “When I left, I didn’t know I was running away, but I was.”

When she returned to New Zealand four years ago, Shannon made the conscious decision to rebuild her relationship with her mum. “I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but it was only when I came back that I realised how unhealthy our relationship had been, and how much I’d had to bend to receive her love,” she says. “Even so, I knew we had a genuine connection, so I said to Mum – ‘we are not well’. We were not in a good place.”

It was a moment of extreme courage from Shannon – and that bravery proved to be the start of one of the hardest, and most rewarding experiences, in both their lives.

“Shannon was completely real with me about how everything had affected her, and that honest conversation kickstarted the crumbling of the illusion I’d been holding onto that I’d been an OK mum,” recalls Leeanne. “It was incredibly painful, but it was necessary for me to hear it because pain is the catalyst for growth. Our story is less of a tragic tale than one of resilience and love – the love was always there, but it had become buried and inaccessible.”

Leeanne’s relationship with her other children is improving but is still a work in progress; however, the honesty between her and Shannon has allowed them to move forward with love and compassion, rather than bitterness and resentment.

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I’ve needed to forgive Mum – I just had a desire to grow and learn and face things honestly, and through it all, music has been at the centre of everything,” says Shannon. “Mum went on a massive healing journey, and through her, I’ve learned to make my life the most beautiful it can be, for the short amount of time we have on this planet. She inspires me completely.”

Leeanne’s experience has been so profound, she has put her story in writing with her book, The Agape Bloom: The Sacred Ceasefire Of The Mind. “The concept of the book actually started 28 years ago when my brother Darrin committed suicide at the age of 23 – six months after I left my marriage and my children. It was a terrible, terrible year,” she says tearfully. “I made a promise to Darrin then that I didn’t want this experience to go unseen, and a seed was planted.

“My second brother Stevie took his life in 2019, and that was when I moved to Picton to pursue music full-time. The book began properly two years ago – then last September, I finally felt I was ready to share, and I wrote about 80 per cent of it in a month.”

The book focuses on Leeanne’s personal experiences of what she calls a ‘broken brain’. Having previously been diagnosed with bipolar disorder nine years ago and taking lithium for seven years, she is now medication-free despite an ADHD diagnosis, and says she has learned to quiet the negative ‘head-speak’ with self-compassion, intuition, wisdom and gentle understanding.

“For me, it was about accepting where I’m at and stepping away from how I feel when your brain tells you things you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy. I don’t try to ‘fix’ anything now; it’s more about taking a ceasefire from the chaos and the noise, and being where I am right now,” says Leeanne, who is telling her story now because she wants to bring hope to anyone else who may be struggling this Mother’s Day.

While Shannon’s bravery and compassion has played a significant role in her mother’s recovery, Leeanne’s own journey has had just as vivid an impact on Shannon’s own mental health. “Going overseas and travelling was a very spiritual quest for me, and I did a lot of work on myself, but I know very well just how deep the level of suffering can be for people,” she says. “Mum and I have both been on a big healing journey; when I came home, she was willing to look at the truth of the situation and work on making it better. Today we are both in really good spaces. I am so grateful she is here.”

“I’ve learned that living in the present gives you the chance to find happiness,” says Leeanne. “Yes I acknowledge the past, but music, and my relationship with Shannon now, has given me the grace and wisdom to be imperfectly human, and focus on what brings you joy.

“I can honestly say that focusing on the things you love, that bring you to life – genuine compassionate, truthful relationships and staying connected – have saved my life.”

Where to get help:

If you need support for either yourself or someone you know, get in touch with:

Lifeline 0800 543 354 or 09 522 2999

Suicide Prevention Helpline 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Youthline 0800 376 633 or free text 234

Samaritans 0800 726 666

Follow Mama & The Babas on Facebook

To learn more about The Agape Bloom: The Sacred Ceasefire of the Mind, visit theagapebloom.com