Music for the soul

Talented Marlborough musician Sarah Brown suffered severe anxiety that plagued her for years. Here she tells Paula Hulburt about her journey to peace and the creativity it has inspired as she gets ready to launch a new single and tour.

Her breaths came in shallow gasps, lungs fighting for air as her heart beat a terrible tattoo of fear. Eyes wide in a face draining of colour, Sarah waited to die.

Pain spread out in heavy waves across her chest as nausea threatened. She sat as still as she could, willing it past.

Meeting Sarah today is hard to connect the confident acoustic singer and songwriter with the crippling anxiety and panic attacks that once ruled her life.

Chatting to the upbeat blonde ahead of the launch of her new single next month, there is no sign of the anxiety that even now can occasionally rear its ugly head. She exudes poise and serenity.

But, she explains, it’s been a hard road to get to this point in her life.

“I had chronic anxiety which was so debilitating. I had panic attacks and was scared and not really functioning, I had no ideas what anxiety was.

“It was a thing of terror and a vicious cycle.”

Recording her first demo at 12 years old, writing her own music at 14 and then securing regular local gigs at bars and wineries, Sarah won the Ovation Rockshop songwriter of the year competition at 18 years old.

Her self-titled debut album Sarah Brown was released in 2006 and her second album The Great Heart Robbery in 2012. Her latest release She Loves Me So is a beguiling meld of wistfulness and hope.

Writing it was a wholly cathartic experience, Sarah says.

“I actually sat down to write about something else and it kind of just fell from me. I hadn’t written a song in 5 years; I didn’t think I could and didn’t even feel like I wanted to.

“It’s about letting go of judgement, looking at myself with compassion and love.”

Acceptance of her true self has been a long time coming, she says.

The third of five siblings born into a musical family, Sarah made her first public appearance as a singer at just two-years-old: standing with two other little vocalists in front of the congregation at Blenheim’s St Mary’s Church.

It was her mother, Paula Brown, who first picked up on the youngster’s musical talent.

“I think mum was quite surprised by how in tune I was.

“Mum was an amazing dancer and she danced in a TV show in the 1970s and had to perform live to camera every week,” she smiles.

“I remember sitting with mum at the piano and she’d play Beatles songs and beautiful, old folky-type songs. She could see that I was interested, and I had singing lessons from about the age of 10.”

Remnants of sunny summer days and family road trips make Sarah smile as she recalls happy childhood days.

The Brown family, dad Phil, mum Paula, sisters Emma, Katie, Sarah, Lucy and brother Matt would all pile into the car heading to Pohara, singing as they went, Sarah says.

“We sang all the time. We had cassette tapes and would all sing along to Annie, Chitty, Chitty Bang Bang and the Sound of Music. We’re lucky in that every member of the family can sing at some level. Dad does a great rendition of the Bee Gees,” she laughs.

While Sarah may have moved on from singing childhood favourites, family remains important to the mother of two. She is delighted that both her children, Eliza, 10, and Peter, 7, have inherited the family’s talent for song.

Just days before she was due to head to London to meet with a recording company who were putting together a tour for her, Sarah found out she was pregnant with Eliza. It is she says, one of the very best things to ever happen to her.

“At first, I felt the loss of a dream, and went through a bit of a mourning period but then it was really exciting. I used to sing to her when she was in my tummy, every day.

When Eliza was born, Sarah’s life changed to include both her loves, her daughter and music. She did her first live gig as a new mum when Eliza was three weeks old and then released her second album, The Great Heart Robbery soon afterwards.

A national tour and video recording followed all before Eliza turned one year old.

“I was so in love with her and when she did arrive, would only settle if I sang to her, so I thought if she wants me to sing, then I will.

“She has been the most amazing little cheerleader and has the most beautiful voice and goes busking, it gives her so much confidence.

“Peter has a beautiful voice but has this incredible imagination and energy and is always on the move.”

“I’m doing this for me and my kids, I want to be super present and lap it all up. I want this [single] to uplift and empower people.”

Being present and being kinder to herself has seen Sarah give up alcohol, a move she wishes she had made earlier.

“Cutting out alcohol has been like a turbo charge. If I was perhaps to be more honest, I would say that it’s been something I wanted to kick for a while, it’s been a crutch and a way of self-medicating for anxiety.

“I get so much more out of life now.”

Back in Blenheim after recording with her band in an Auckland studio and filming their video in Marlborough, Sarah’s sunny optimism shines in her smile as she gets set to embrace the next adventure.

But she will never forget her roots, she says.

“I am truly really grateful for the amazing support Marlborough has shown me for my entire career; it means the world to me and means I can face the future knowing I have that backing.

“It’s amazing, so exciting and I want to enjoy every moment and explore my potential at every level.”