Big Pants: The Real Conspiracy

Opinion by Chris Lippiatt

People are saying the government has gone too far with rules, restrictions and conformity or else they will take away your basic rights.

And I'd have to say that I agree.  But my friend this is just the tip of the iceberg. It's bigger and older than you think.

I saw a man in a cafe the other day who refused to wear a mask.

He also wore a MAGA hat and told people it stood for Make Ardern Go Away. I quickly Googled if Jacinda Ardern was still the prime minister, she was, so I suppose the hat didn't work.

I passed on my condolences to the man on his hat failure, but he was hopeful that it will work eventually.

This man began to educate me on the 'fact' that the definition of the word mandatory doesn't mean that you haveto do the thing that that is mandated.

I always thought that the word mandate came from the Latin mandatus and meant commandment, and a commandment is a thing you have to do.  But who am I to argue with a man in such a witty and intelligent hat?

The man educated me on the fact that it is against basic human rights for the government to force people to wear something against our will to acquire basic needs like going to the supermarket and visiting the doctor and gathering in public places.

To make it worse, the government won’t even supply these masks to us for free, we must pay for them ourselves and someone is profiting from this.

Now I haven't read and memorised the Universal Declaration of Human Rights or the New Zealand Human Rights Act 1993.  But the man in the fabulous rouge headwear assured me he knew and though he couldn't recite it, he was more than willing to paraphrase it for me.

I'm not sure if it was his charisma, which could look like arrogance to a lesser person, or perhaps it was the captivating allure of the acronymical head topper he wore, but I was starting to think independently... or I was starting to think like him.  I can't tell the difference.

But a lightbulb went on.  I thought yes, that is so true.  How can the government force citizens to wear and pay for something against our will just so we can access basic services such as going to the supermarket, visiting the doctor and meeting in public places.

But it doesn't begin or end with masks, I explained to the man.  No, this is much bigger.  Even before COVID, the government was doing this. Think about it.

Everyone is born naked, then all of a sudden we are required by law to wear clothes to get our basic human needs.  You can't go to the supermarket, gather in public places, or see the doctor without wearing these insidious 'clothes'.  Even though the doctor often asks you to remove garments, it's illegal to come pre-prepared.

The government has decency laws to punish us for being naked but won't buy us clothes. Someone is profiting. I swear there is a conspiracy with Big Pants lobbying the government so they can fill their coffers with that sweet sweet jeans money.

Even my new hat wearing friend is unwittingly a part of the diabolical scheme.  I had to save him, so armed with his eloquent paraphrasing of human rights, I invited him to get naked with me then and there in the cafe.  I even offered to help him remove his oppressive garments.

My new friend strangely wanted no part of this and looked at me as though I was a crazy and potentially dangerous conspiracy theorist.

Was it true? Is there no Big Pants?  Are decency laws really just there to protect ourselves and others and paying for clothes only exists because clothes cost money to make and we live in a capitalist nation?

If so, then I guess accepting that mask mandates exist for the same reason is not such a big ask. Just a thought.